If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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