It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Drunk is not a location!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
