I think I died a long time ago.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
