i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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