Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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