the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
