Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
