whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
