I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
