so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Are we still banned from the library?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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