Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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