MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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