He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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