I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Let's get the cat blown out
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
