every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
