how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
