Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
