Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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