you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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