some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize