i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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