If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize