I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
