oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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