My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
