I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's shark week go big or go home
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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