4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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