Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
