Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
