do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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