if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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