My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
