I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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