why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
