Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
