we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
