dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
