you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
