Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
