I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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