this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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