I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
