your thong is hanging out like whoa
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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