My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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