So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I want a musical about memes.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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