i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
