Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
