I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
