i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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