Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
