The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
