have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
