she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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