When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
