From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
