sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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