just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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